Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The post has been sitting waiting to be published for weeks.  Adam and I are always excited to share exciting news like the upcoming arrival of a new baby.  We announced our news at Caroline's jewel party and had Caroline open a present with a card exclaiming news of a prospective baby brother or sister inside.  But for some reason, there the post sat, and I just never felt good yet about posting it.  We always tell family and friends early because we have discovered we love the support if something goes wrong.  Well, Friday I was 14 weeks along and some bad news came.  No heartbeat with the doppler when I went to see the Midwife.  We had to wait over the long holiday weekend for an ultrasound, and that's when the heart crushing news came.

This may seem so personal to some to share this here, but for me I have learned it helps to share.  The first time we experienced this I treated it like it was taboo to talk about, I felt uncomfortable sharing the news with most friends.  It hurt.  I found out though, that the more I shared with people, the more I discovered this happens unfortunately a lot and some healing began.  I gained comfort in other peoples stories and successes of still being able to have children.  We are one of those successes because after two hard experiences came sweet animated Olive.

The thing I learned from those hard losses was that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need and what is best for us.  I went through so many emotions, anger, fear, hopelessness, sadness, before I realized that it's in His hands.  Olive came at the perfect time and when I realized this I was comforted and my faith increased.  This knowledge is what got me through last weekend.  Yes I thought things might still be ok, but I also felt so calm and full of the Spirit knowing that I really have nothing to worry about.  It's in the Lord's hands.  It was hard to remember that when we did hear the disappointing news, but I truly know this and find peace in it.  We are beyond blessed and so grateful to have our two beautiful little girls.  I always learn from this to be a better mother each day to these precious little ones and cherish every sticky finger, messes that need to be cleaned up, spills, crying that needs comforting because one day there will be none of that....and I know it will all be missed.

17 comments:

Erica Huff said...

Andrea, I am so sorry for your loss. I never understood the heartache and pain until I experienced it myself. Being told that news is one of my hardest memories and I am so sad that you understand that feeling. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you are able to find peace through this difficult time. Our prayers are with you and Adam.

Brandon and Brittany said...

Oh sweet Andrea...what an uplifting post even with that sad news. With something that I have recently gone through as well it helps so much to share. I have realized that I am not the only one that has had struggles. I love you Andrea!! As you said, they come exactly when the timing is best...Thank you for sharing this!!!

nate&amanda said...

Oh Andrea we love you so much! I'm so sorry. I can't wait till you are back in VA and i can give you a big hug.

Miranda said...

My tears are streaming. I am so so sorry for your loss. I know you were anticipating a new addition, and it's so hard to understand the Lord's timing. I wish I could bring you some hot cinnamon rolls, take the girls to the zoo and let you have a day to gather your feelings. I love and miss you and your sweet family. Know you will be in our prayers.

xo Miranda

Nate and Di said...

Andrea, I am so sorry. I feel like I don't have any great words to say other than we just love you and your adorable family so much. We miss you guys, and are thinking and praying for you. Lots of love! xo

Kristen Gardiner said...

You're in our prayers, Beckstrom family. We love you and are sorry for your loss.

cuzimmom said...

Andrea, I know how you are feeling & it's hard to think to think past it at the moment. Remember, we had one before & one after Sarah. It was hard, and I still have times that I think "what would he be doing right now? Where would he have gone on a mission" and such. But, blessings come in strange ways. We wouldn't trade Steph for anything in the world. And, her knowing her birthmom & that Britt is really her sister, has been a wonderful experience, for us & for her. She is always telling Sarah that she has more brothers than her (Sarah 1, Steph 2) and sisters besides Sarah. And remember, with age comes wisdom.
Aunt Jan

Katie Bell said...

We are so sorry for your loss, we are hear if you need us nad love you all so much!

Rylie said...

Oh Andrea I am so sorry for you loss. It breaks my heart that others have to experience that awful moment. We lost our first daughter and it isn't easy. We hope that you and Adam find peace during this horrible time. If you would ever like to talk I am always here. My heart and prayers go out to you both. Love, Rylie Martin

Evelyn said...

Andrea, I'm so sorry for your loss... all of you! I'm sure your girls and Adam are feeling it too, but I imagine you feel it most of all.

Thank you for your expression of faith and hope, I think you expressed it all so beautifully. We have you in our prayers!
<3, eveS

Michelle said...

Andrea-- we are so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Thank you for sharing this with us.....I am awed by your strength and love. Know that you are in our prayers and we hope that you can find some comfort with your dear family.

Kisses to your baby sweet.....

Morgan & Geoff said...

I'm so sorry for this loss. It is such a difficult ordeal, and I'm even sorrier you've had to go through it so many times. You are a great example of faith and perseverance. Love you.

Here And Happy! said...

We were glad to be with you when this disappointing news was confirmed, even if we didn't know what to say or do. We love you so much! And even though you were having a very difficult weekend, no evidence showed to spoil our exciting visit to NYC. You are amazing, faithful children--we are blessed! We loved being in your home and sharing your amazing city. Thank you for giving us a chance to do what we could to lend support when the bad news came. I love Mosiah 4:9. It gets me through a lot.

Erin the Mom said...

You are right, Heavenly Father knows us and our needs and what we need, when we need it. Our Sunday School lesson today was on Gethsemane; we never have to walk any road alone because He has walked it too. I wish I could give you and Adam a big hug right now. Love and miss you so much. --Erin

Kaeloni said...

I am so sorry to hear that! Prayers are with your family!

Jill T said...

I am so sorry my dear friend. I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain of your loss. Please know that I am thinking about you, praying for you, and miss you! DC is not the same without you. I'm sorry you have to go through this difficult experience and I love you tons.

Jan said...

We had 2 miscarriages. One before Kallyn, no one knew - it was the hardest time of my life and I felt like it was something I had to deal with on my own. Our second was before Brielle. Kallyn had gone to the Dr's visit with me and was so excited to announce to the whole world we were pregnant, but then we lost it Christmas Eve. Everyone heard soon enough. Compared with our first experience it was most definately bittersweet. To feel the love our Heavenly Father has for us through the friends he gives us in times of need and support gives me the strength to try again! We love you and miss you. Thankyou for sharing your sad news so we can all send you our prayers!

A Warm Wish,
Janalee Fish